Dear Friend,

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BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

I am not a perfectionist. My bosses have, over the years, reprimanded me for the same one thing, over and over. I can't seem to be able to get that right. But I am a hard worker, and I am also, relatively speaking, kind to myself. Maybe you'd call it tough love. I hold myself to high standards, but I also give myself lots of "treats." Like I give to our two dogs.

I have observed that aid workers are unusually hard on themselves. I don't know if it comes from the kind of person who signs up for aid work in volatile conditions, giving everything to serve humankind. Or if it's something that gets built over time, resilience forged under pressure, in a sector that quietly expects you to deliver 150% on a normal day. It's probably both.

Is that a problem, you ask? Isn't being tough on yourself exactly what got you here in the first place?

That is almost word-for-word what I said to my own coach seven years ago, when I set out to completely change my life, my career, everything. And I see many aid professionals doing the same thing today: the same grind, the same job search, asking the same circle of friends, doubling down on applications sent. But that approach can only ever get you more of what you already have. It cannot get you somewhere new.

As Marshall Goldsmith put it: what got you here won't get you there.

So, what does kindness have to do with any of this? Why is pursuing the old grind, the doubling down, the pushing harder and harsh self-criticism not the way? These keep your thinking narrow, they only let you ask "how do I try harder at the same thing?" Self-kindness is what opens the aperture. It's what gives you the psychological room to admit that something isn't working, to sit with not knowing the answer yet, and to ask genuinely different and curious questions instead of a louder version of the old ones. You cannot zoom out from a place of self-attack, but you can zoom out from a place of enough safety to look clearly.

And on a transition this size, things will not work out 100% on the first, second, or sometimes even third attempt. That's not a sign you're doing it wrong, it's just what a big transition actually looks like from the inside. If you meet every stumble with the same harshness that got you here, you add a second layer of pain on top of the first: not just "this didn't work," but "and that means something is wrong with me." That second layer is the one that actually stalls people. It's what turns a setback into a reason to quit, or to quietly shrink the size of the change you were reaching for so it feels safer to fail at. Beating yourself up doesn't make you try harder in any useful sense, it makes the whole process feel more dangerous, so you protect yourself by wanting less. Treating a stumble as information instead of a verdict is what lets you stay in motion long enough to actually get somewhere new.

If you're standing at the edge of a real shift, professional or personal, the old approach won't carry you across it. You have to step back first. Get more creative about the question itself:

Why do I want this change? What do I actually want? (It's okay not to know at the beginning, and to explore.) And how do I get there? (Also very okay if things are unclear, these will remain subject to change.)

I often see clients default to the technical, the hard skills. But more often than not, what actually needs work is leadership, applying servant leadership and soft skills such as truly listening with intent, hearing the unpleasant opinions (which, when people are willing to share them, is a real sign of trust), giving recognition where it's due, noticing who you're subconsciously excluding, rather than including, even when it's hard.

In my own transition, I tried to almost completely eliminate the old professional 'I' and create a totally new professional. The humbling experience made me realize that both are equally important, both are really needed, complementing and nourishing each other.
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What got you here won't get you to the other side of a transition this size. But what will is cutting yourself some slack, giving yourself time, risking failure, and accepting who you are becoming on this journey.

With love and gratitude, Viki 🌿

If you're standing at the edge of your own transition and recognize yourself in any of this, the old grind, the harsh self-talk, the sense that hard work alone isn't quite enough anymore, I'd love to hear where you are with it. Book a Clarity Call and let’s talk!